Show off!

Nana, Ruthie and I embarked on what we hoped would be our last trip to Cincinnati for a while. We nicknamed it our "Miracle Confirmation" trip. Because by all intensive purposes, Ruthie appears healed and has never shown any sign of respiratory distress or any problems or concerns since her surgery. We assumed she was healed and haven't really worried much. That is until about 2 days before her appointment.
I have had a peace about this appointment for the past year. I just knew she was fine and that all the doctors would tell us she was fine. But, about two days before the appointment, I began to doubt. Stupid me forgot how far she had come. Forgot how God had met us so far. Forgot how amazing prayers worked. I am ridiculous. We got her to the hospital and she was a trooper. She wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything because of the anesthesia she had to have. I held it together most of the day. Excluding one moment, when I had to hold her down while they held a mask over her face so that she could breath in the medication. Then, with her fast asleep, I passed her to the nurse. Walking out of the room, I just kept thinking, she's fine, she's fine, they are taking such good care of her, she's fine, I'm fine..... then, like a shot to the gut, I rememebered the verse that had gotten me through the first 6 weeks of her life in the hospital, and the first 2 weeks at home. Philippians 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything. But but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And God immediately restored my peace. I was able to eat lunch and relax. They called me about 45 minutes later to come pick her up. She was awake and ready for me to come and get her. Boy, she was MAD! She was inconsolable. She wanted to eat and drink but couldn't because she was so mad at everyone! Mom and I finally got her to eat and drink something. She took a good nap and finally snapped out of it. She was back to her old self and we were ready for the results. 
Dr. Lim (yoda - the surgical genius that God sent our way) walked into our room with a smile on his face. And a "Wow! she is so big!" We looked at her CT scan together and I couldn't believe my eyes. I was looking at two, count them, 1, 2 lungs!!! They had told us that her lung capacity would grow until she was about 3-5 years old. She may have limited activity until then.... So, when I see this CT picture, I was a little confused. Two full sized, functioning, full of blood vessels and NO residual CPAM mass. I was speechless. Yoda told us that he wasn't surprised but very happy. This is about all the emotion you will get from him. But we could tell he was very pleased and excited about her recovery. Her "miracle" lung is still recovering. The lung is full size but is still thickening and regenerating. (AMAZING) But as far as activity, she is ready for anything. She has no restrictions. She is no longer at severe risk of future problems. We discussed many things but he continues to reiterate that if  Ruthie had not been at that hospital, with our surgeons, had she not been born via Exit procedure, not only would she had probably not made it, she wouldn't have the recovery she has today. In being willing to put myself at a greater risk, they were given the time they needed to remove all the mass and were able to giver her a better outcome. I would do it again in a heartbeat. God basically paved a pretty, clear path to Cincinnati for us....all we did was follow it. So, all in all, pretty amazing stuff. As Dr. Lim was walking out of the room, he said he had to go check on two other CPAM babies in the NICU. I told him I pray they all come out as well as Ruthie has. He just smiled back at me and said "oh! Me too!" 

Oh and when do we go back to Cincinnati for a check up....oh try 2 years!!! Yep when my child is 3 years old we have to go back for another CT scan! Woot Woot!  

Ruthie is currently sick. She has a fever but we know it's not her lungs! Onto typical toddler sicknesses....I must keep repeating Phil 4:6..... over and over and over again!

One Blessed Year

My sweet Ruthie turns 1 tomorrow. She's precious, patient, serious, spunky, cautious, and curious. She is the most amazing blessing that we could have ever been given. Thinking back on her year, she's made me laugh and cry in happiness, sadness, and frustration. Just before Ruthie was born and a little after, I would find myself being jealous of other moms. I was mad because I wasn't normal. I didn't get to hold my baby. I didn't get to see her when she was born. I had to watch them replace her chest tubes over and over. I couldn't put any of the cute newborn clothes that I had on her. But now looking back, I'm able to see all the wonderful things I got to see that a typical mom wouldn't. I got to see her breathe on her own and celebrate her lungs expanding with no help from the machines! Putting clothes on her was SO exciting! Tears of joy when the last chest tube was removed! Going in for check ups and amazing the doctors at her recovery. Spending weeks in the NICU learning how to care for her. Spending time with Jimmy on Cincinnati road trips while our sweet one sleeps in the back. Watching first hand a miracle happening!

As for Ruthie's continued check ups, so far so good. She's cleared every test and check up with one minor hiccup at her cariology appointment. No big deal, we'll go back in a year for a check up. We've got the big 1 year Surgery check up coming in late November with the thoracic surgery master. She'll be getting a CT scan of her chest. This will let the "Yoda" (the surgery master) know if they got all the mass out when they did the surgery at her birth or if they missed some. It will also let them know how her little lung is growing and inflating properly. If you have seen Ruthie, or have spent any time with her, you wouldn't think she was sick at all. By all appearances, she is better. But we'll wait for the pictures of her insides to be for sure.

My story hasn't been, nor ever will be, typical. I've come to terms with that. I know that God's blessings sometimes come with hardships. I would do it again in a heartbeat.

a sweet surprise

I am reminded again how blessed we, Thorpe's, are. Some time after Christmas one of my wonderful sis-in-laws, Susan, gave me a CD of pictures she and Greg had taken from Ruthie's birthday. I looked through them when we got home but then put them away. I just took the CD out again, placed it in my mac, and relived some of those moments. I was surprised to find something that I hadn't seen before! A video of our doctors explaining to my family how the surgery went. It was a recap of the surgery and an explanation of some post-surgery care. They really took time to explain a lot. They, of course, told me all of this too, but I was recovering from surgery and missed about 75% of it. I was so floored by their surprise at how well Ruthie and I had done. It was so funny! They didn't even know they were being filmed. I think Greg was being sneaky! One thing I did notice about their faces.... They were hopeful. I don't remember seeing them this way until this point. Ruthie's surgeon was still very cautiously optimistic but he was optimistic! What a wonderful gift that was. Thank you, Susan and Greg!!

This picture is Ruthie with her great grandfather's mandolin. Thank you PawPaw!!

back to blogging

After a pretty long sabbatical from writing my blog, I've decided.... it's time to come back. I would like to thank all of you for reading and encouraging me all along the way. "What's new with the Thorpe's" is and was so very therapeutic to write. We have been through several things since the last time I blogged. I went back to school (for two weeks), we went on a family vacation, Ruthie had her 6 month check up in Cincinnati, and I saved her life with the Heimlich maneuver.... wow! we've done a lot! 

We'll start with Ruthie's check-up. Ruthie visited her cardiologist. She had an echo (ultrasound of the heart) done. She had to be sedated for this. It wasn't a very strong sedative. Just enough to make her sleepy for the test. She did amazing! She slept through the whole thing! AND when she woke up... SHE WAS HILARIOUS! I hated laughing at her but....who am I kidding....we cracked up! I won't show you any of the pictures or videos we took of her. We'll save those for her 16th birthday party. After a long wait, we got the results of her echo. Her pulmonary hypertension (pressure in the blood vessels heading from her heart to her lungs) is GONE! We were given the okay to wean her off her final medication. She was not as excited as mommy and daddy were! We will return to the cardiologist in 3 months just to double check that it's not coming back. 

We also had an x-ray done. Her sweet, wonderful, genius surgeon was super busy saving other babies so we didn't get to see him. But we had the x-ray and left it for him to review. I got a call from him this week letting me know that he didn't see anything to worry about on the x-ray. Everything looked great. There were some weird things on the x-ray that would alarm someone else but he said that it was exactly what he was expecting. Her lungs don't seem to be inflating completely but....duh.... she only has 1 lobe (there's supposed to be 3) on the right side. Of course, it's not going to fill the chest cavity yet. I don't know about you but if you've met my little miracle, she looks like she's doing great. She still gets out of breath pretty easily and i don't really let her cry for extended amounts of time. I don't want her to wear herself out. But other than that, she's a-o-k!

So, on to the life saving mommy! I have started giving Ruthie little puffs and yogurt melts. She loves them and didn't choke for weeks. Then, one day, whilst cooking bacon, i looked over at Ruthie in her high chair and low and behold.... She was choking. I pat her back trying to get her to spit it out. nothing. Beginning to turn grayish blue around her mouth. I, then, remembered my newborn emergency training from the hospital (thank you nurse erin!!). I snatched her out of the high chair, held her head down on her belly, and patted her back a couple good pats. She threw up right away. I held her for a minute. Set her in her bouncy seat, gave her a drink of juice and she was fine. So was I. When i finished the bacon, I called Jimmy to let him know I would be running late because of Ruthie's choking.... I lost it! I stated crying in retelling him the story. It didn't occur to me to be scared until that moment. Thank you Lord for keeping my cool for me.

Overall, we're doing good. No complaints. Things here are relatively quiet. Praying for our friends.... praying for a couple waiting on adoption, two waiting on sons to arrive, and another who lost a son.

Utter Cuteness

Ruthie's healing

As Ruthie heals and grows, God has taught me so many things. Just being a parent gives me great insight to how God loves us as his children. But the nugget I got this week was about how he heals us; from physical ailments to guilt from sin.

Ruthie's healing has been miraculous to say the least. I guess the first time I saw her healing was when I was 20 weeks pregnant. The doctor told us she had several markers for a genetic disorder and she would either have downs syndrome or a fatal disorder that would kill her in-utero or just after birth. Jimmy and I, our family, and our closest friends prayed. I mean, PRAYED, PLEADED for God to heal our daughter. One week later, the test came back CLEAR. She had no abnormality. God had instantly heard our prayer and healed Ruthie. We had another ultrasound to confirm and all the markers they had seen were completely GONE. She still had the lung mass but the genetic problems were gone.

As for her lung problems, God's healing has been a bit slower. From the time she was diagnosed to the time she will be completely whole will be around 3 years. Beginning with a surgery I had at 22 weeks to around her 3rd birthday, God will be healing her. Through her healing over these 3 years, she is on medicines, has had 2 surgeries, and even though 2/3 of her lung was removed in the 2nd surgery it will regenerate into a full lung. But when God's healing is complete in her, she will have two full lungs and will probably be free from further lung problems.

So, what I have learned about how God heals us from our "issues".... God CAN heal us. immediately. completely. fully. But he also chooses to heal us THROUGH our circumstances. For example, if you are struggling with depression. God CAN heal you instantly. Please pray big prayers! God hears our prayers and his healing comes in different ways! Sometimes God's healing does take time. Maybe he is in the process of healing you.

Here's the thing... Ruthie spends about half of her life out of breath. She gets out of breath eating, crying, laughing....anything really..except for sleeping. As she gets some distance from her surgery, it will get easier and easier for her to breath. So, as God is in this process of healing you, you may get out of breath. Your healing may be painful. But your pain will lead to greater results. You may feel like God has forgotten your healing. He may have missed you. NO WAY! God is working through your life. "We know that God is always at work for the good of everyone who loves him." Romans 8:28 God is using your circumstances to bring glory to him. So whatever you need healing from, depression, a physical pain, addiction, a lung mass, pray for healing. We did.

Thoughts from a new mom

I've been thinking a lot about labels...Christian, wife, sister, daughter, friend, teacher, colleague, mentor, etc... I've had labels for a while now. I think adding "wife" had been the largest adjustment to make until now. It's also been the most rewarding. Now I'm adding the label... Mother. hmm.... I thought having a mother, a good mother, I knew what I was getting into. HA! Even having the best mom, I had no idea the life-changing excitement that was heading for me. But more on that later...


I began to think about these labels as hats. For example, on my way to work, I would put on my teacher and colleague hats and then driving home, switch to the homemaker and wife hats. But, then, I realized the “Christian” label shouldn’t really be in this category. Because we really don’t ever take that one off (or at least we shouldn’t). No matter what hat we put on, we are still Christians. For metaphoric purposes, lets say we put on our “Christian” t-shirt. So, this label, Christian, permeates every other label. Striving to be a good mother doesn’t mean we change a diaper really well. What are our goals? I mean really... deep down, what do WE want? If you have on your “Christian” t-shirt, then your goal should be to point others toward Christ. Showing his love to others and proclaiming his name is our goal. So, as we change our hats, our overall goal shouldn’t change. What should change is our audience. At home, wearing our “Mom” hat and our “Christian” t-shirt, our goal should be to show Christ to our children, pointing them to him by our love, patience, and discipline. As we go to work, change hats but don’t take off the t-shirt. We should be showing our co-workers Christ, telling them how great he his and how life changing he is. We don’t necessarily have to go through the halls, cubicles, and break rooms shouting, “How Great is Our God.” Although, you could and that would be awesome! Just be nice. Offer to help someone. Buy someone’s coffee. Talk to them about their family. Remember, most of you reading this are in the bible belt of America. So, be aware, your co-workers have probably had a run-in with a Christian at some point. And sadly, not all Christians leave the best impression. So, PLEASE, leave a GOOD impression. Also, your co-workers may also be Christians. Talk to them about it. Encourage each other.


Realizing all the labels/hats that I wear, it stressed me out. I really want to do all those things really well. Failing at these things is not an option. I refuse to be a bad mother, a bad wife, etc. BUT think about it, what are you wearing.... If you are wearing your “Christian” shirt, it shouldn’t matter what hat you have on. Continue with the same goal. Showing others Christ through you and your actions. I’m convinced if we concentrate on the t-shirt the hats won’t matter.



26 So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith, 27 for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ.

Galations 3:26-27




Couldn't resist showing some pictures of my little miracle!! She is doing great! Growing and smiling! She can hold up her head and is smiling more and more. She has also found her hands. She reaches for stuff and sucks on her knuckles. Her little personality is showing through!! Her health has been great! Thank you again for all your prayers and Praise Him for answering them so extravagantly!

Shouting from the rooftops!

It's 4 am. I've just had 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep and I feel great, not tired at all. But it's 4 am and my husband and child are both asleep. Blog? sure!!

I went back and read through my blog posts from the beginning of our journey. I'm floored by God's providence and faithfulness. A dear friend commented to Jimmy on why God chose us for this testimony. I know God has chosen us for this and I know he must have confidence in us to give us such a task (sharing our story, giving God glory, making him more famous). As I read my blog, I notice a few things. First of all, I'm pretty optomistic. I shared the truth but usually a positive spin on the truth. Looking back now, as I watch my princess sleep, things were pretty bleak. They gave us all the facts but I think God blessed me with blinders that only allowed me to see the positive. So, thinking about our task and my optomism, here's the REAL story....

Our doctors told us at week 20 that our child probably would not make it. She would either die of a genetic abnormality or the lung mass would keep her from developing healthy lungs. They asked us if we would consider termination because she would either die in my belly or I would carry her full term and she would be stillborn. Jimmy and I looked at each other and knew pretty immediately that we were not okay with termination. Even if I would be at risk, we weren't okay with that. We began to pray.... not just pray... CRY. Crying out to God for him to heal her, give her life, bless our doctors, etc. We, family and dear friends, fasted and prayed for weeks, months, and God showed us favor throughout the process. I want to say... I NEVER doubted God's ability to heal our daughter. I wondered if it was his will for us.

At this point, I could re-hash her whole story. But i'm not going to. Read past blogs if you want the full version.

Jimmy and I took Ruthie to see her surgeon for a follow up appointment on Monday. She had an x-ray. Smiling ear to ear, he said she was totally fine. No residual mass, no air in her chest cavity, and no fluid in her lungs. God is AMAZING!! He has completely healed my precious daughter. Our doctor, who is Buddhist I think, says... I want you to know.... If you hadn't had the procedure in July, Ruthie would not be here. If you hadn't had fluid drained at 30 weeks, Ruthie would not be here. If you hadn't come here to deliver, Ruthie would not be here. There is no other hospital that could have cared for her needs the way our team did. If you hadn't delivered via exit procedure, Ruthie would not be here.

We said.... God. God orchestrated all these events. I'm not sure what he has in store for our little gal... but it has already been glorifying. We continue to pray for all our doctors who have various religious beliefs. We know our GOD is in the healing business. I don't know where you are in your belief either. But whether or not you believe in the miraculous, you can not deny this healing. My daughter is well, breathing, and thriving. She was heading toward death and she is now living. You may say, God didn't zap the tumor away. HA!! I say that's exactly what he did. God working through two surgeons literally ZAPPED that tumor with a laser. God heard the cries of his people and showed favor, providing life and life abundantly. Miracles do happen. I'm watching one breathe right now.

Cont...

I must confess... I was writing the last blog and toward the end Ruthie started crying. So, it was cut short. I tried to tie it up but I realized later that I only talked about the rough part. I wanted to continue with this blog and share the good parts.

Ruthie sleeps! She pretty much sleeps between every feeding. I feed her, she's awake for about 20 minutes and then she passes out for hours. About 2-3 feeds a day she will stay awake longer. She sleeps so much that I worry that she sleeps too much. But I have to remember she's not a typical 2 month old baby. She is really only 1 month old because she was born a month early. AND has to work harder than the average kiddo to breathe. So, worry dissolves away.

Sometime while she sleeps I put her down in her bassinet, the pack-n-play, or on a mat on the couch (while I sit right next to her)... but sometimes I hold her. I love to hold her. She seems to like it too. I don't want to spoil her. So, I eventually put her down. But I remember a time when I couldn't hold her. She was just laying there with all those tubes, IVs, etc. I held her hand and prayed that she didn't think I had abandoned her. I was afraid she wouldn't want me to hold her once I could. Praise God! She likes to be held now. Don't get me wrong.. she has a limit on how long you can hold her. She doesn't really use her diaper unless she laying down and sometimes she just likes to be left alone.

Also, I kind of like being the one who can soothe her. If she is crying or fussy, everyone passes her to me and I can usually help. It just feels so good to love this little baby so much and then for her to return the love with snuggles and coos.... ahhhh! Now, when I can't do anything, that kind of hurts...i hate constipation/gas.

Learning more about how to care for her/being a mom, my first realization is being a mom is the opposite of selfishness. It requires the complete surrender of the first place status in your own life. Don't get me wrong... I still struggle with selfishness. AND I am in no way unhappy about this... it's just very different. I still get a shower but now i shower with a bassinet right outside the shower. I still go out on dates with the hubby, but it takes more planning and foresight. I can sometimes take her out with us. It's just easier to take her to Nana and Pa's.

Sidenote: Nana and Pa are the best babysitters in the world! They are lifesavers and I don't know what I would do without them!! I love you and please continue to spoil my child!

Back to anti-selfisness/being a mom, it's great and I am NOT complaining. Just sharing how I'm learning all this new stuff.

Update on Ruhie's health.... well.... she looks pretty good to me. She still struggles to eat sometimes. As poor Lori Vaughn witnessed last night, she gets choked and shuts down. She looses the color in her face and her lips do turn a shade of blue. She gets back into a breathing rhythm and then falls asleep. I think it scares me more than it hurts her. She seems fine. And she recovers very well. The next time she eats, it's as if it never happened.

And in case you haven't seen it... Here's a picture that our friends Zach and Sarah Henson took of Ruthie. They are so creative and talented at what they do. Thank you so much to them. Also, if you have a second, go to their website and check out how great they are and book them for a wedding, senior pictures, newborn, etc. They are the best and the sweetest! zachandsarahphotography.com

Home and Adapting

I haven't blogged in quite a while... Lots of changes have come our way. As you probably already know, we are home. We are so glad to be here. Back in good ole Tennessee. Number one comment has been.. I bet you are so glad to be home!! Well..... Yes and No.... I am so happy to be close to family and friends. I'm glad to be in my house. I'm glad that Jimmy and my mom don't have to drive so far to see me and Ruthie. BUT... it is way easier to watch her oxygen levels while she's attached to a monitor. I KNOW she's fine but my only clue now is her lips turn blue and her face gets a little more gray than pink. I don't know about you but that freaks me out a little. Really, her oxygen has been fine. She's only changed color maybe twice and it was while she was eating... she was so hungry, eating so fast, she forgot to breathe.

The first week home was pretty tough. I was constantly checking to see if she was breathing. I couldn't sleep. I would ask Jimmy to check on her even when I was sitting right there. A totally irrational fear. I felt like calling the hospital NICU and asking... Seriously?? Seriously.... you trusted me to take her home. Then I would snap out of it and remember how protective our surgeon was and I know he would have NEVER let her go home if he had any doubts in her or me. I, also, had a wonderful friend talk me down one day. I think I may have freaked her out a little but I was at that point... the point where exhaustion meets hormones and I lost it on her. I felt so bad afterwards but that's what friends are for. I would have totally understood if it were her. It was really nice to have someone to talk to about it. After I was able to get over the fear, it's been pretty nice. I've been feeding her and burping her and changing her diapers...... so pretty normal newborn stuff. We went to get a check up at the pediatrician and she's 8 lbs 2 oz and gaining. We're headed back to Cincinnati for a check up on Dec 19th. She'll have a couple of x-rays and meet with the surgeon.

The pictures are two of her most common faces. She is very expressive and has lots of faces but these are the most common!

the Last Mile

Here we are. We have made it through the toughest part. Ruthie is "out of the woods" so to speak. She is no longer in critical condition. We are still in the Intensive Care Unit but she is no longer a critical patient. She looks fine. Well, I mean she doesn't appear sick. She looks nice and chunky. She has no tubes sticking out of her. (right now anyway... they may have to put her feeding tube back in. We're not sure how she'll eat the next few days.) Jimmy said it best today when we talked on the phone. We have been running a marathon and we are on the last mile.

Ruthie is a champion. Two weeks ago, she had a nurse named Barb. Barb took care of Ruthie several days. Then, she went on vacation for 2 weeks. Today was her first day back and she was nearly in tears at the accomplishments Ruthie had made. Barb's been a nurse in the newborn ICU for years and years...She won't tell us how long exactly.... She said today she's never seen anything like it. Ruthie is a real over-achiever!

Now, the last mile... Feeding. She has been given her food (milk) through a feeding tube since she was born. We have now started her on a bottle. She has to work for her food. She can now breath on her own. But, not only does she need to breath, but she has to eat too. It is interesting thing... she has to get into a pattern of eating and breathing at the same time. It generally takes a preemie weeks to learn this vital skill. Ruthie has been working on it for about a week and a half. She is doing well. She is taking about 85 % of what she needs. If we can get her endurance up and she's taking all her food without tiring out, we can go home. We want to go home but we want to take home a little girl who knows how to eat. The last thing I want is to be back here in two weeks because Ruthie can't eat correctly. We need to set her up for a win. So, we're letting her set the pace in this last mile.

Thank you everyone for your continued prayers and support. Here's the latest picture of tube-less Ruthie.

Hello from Baby Camp!

First, THANK YOU for all your cards, emails, financial support, facebook comments, etc. YOU and THE LORD are encouraging me so much! I pretty much cry every time I think about how amazing God's love is being shown to us. Thank YOU and Thank the Lord.

Let me explain the title of today's blog....I feel like I'm at baby camp. I was pregnant, sent away to have her, and now I'm in baby camp watching her heal and learning how to care for her (i.e. watching for a color change in her face while she's feeding to make sure her oxygen levels aren't dropping). I like baby camp. I'm learning a lot. People keep asking if I'm going crazy here in Cincinnati... Well... not yet. I am just focusing on Ruthie's care and living one day at a time. Every day is a new adventure.

As far as her health, she's healing very well and quickly. (All praise and honor to our Father!! He is healing my daughter!...it's pretty cool to watch.) As of now, she is being weened off oxygen, getting some routine scans, and learning to feed. This could take a week or 2 weeks. So looks like the end of baby camp is in sight. She knows how to eat. She just has a hard time because she gets winded super quick. She's building her endurance and learning how to pace herself. Slowly but surely, we are making progress.

She is getting some oxygen through the tube in her nose. They keep turning it down...eventually getting her used to room air.

Today, she got more scans. I don't know why but I was more of a mess today than the day of our surgery/birth. She had an MRI and a ct scan. Not a huge deal. She had to be put to sleep, intubated, and paralyzed. I was nervous because she had a hole/leak in her right lung that was causing some problems and I didn't want the intubation to cause any more problems. The leak went away on its own after several days of watching it and 3 chest tubes. No worries...It was okay. No new leak. These are called "before you go home" scans. They are to check to make sure everything looks good before we start the process of heading home.

Now, don't get too excited... We have several milestones to pass before we turn in our keys to the Ronald McDonald house. She has to take a full feed every 3 hours, the scans have to be clean, and they want her to be off the oxygen. BUT, the end is in sight and life at home is becoming a reality.

Just to give everyone a heads up... They have told me that through flu season we have to be very very VERY careful about where she goes and who she is around. If a newborn gets a cold, it's not fun. If Ruthie gets a cold, it means a trip to Cincinnati and possible pneumonia. I don't know about you guys but we didn't kick that tumor to be taken out by the common cold. So, we may be staying home a lot. And when we do go out, I will be supplying everyone with ample amounts of hand sanitizer (doctor's orders). Honestly, I have worried a little about being rude when we go out places. Every time I see a newborn baby, my first instinct is to touch their little hands and kiss their little cheeks. Well, now I'm going to have to be the mom who is asking everyone to use hand sanitizer before they touch her. How rude! "I'm sorry... you are dirty and you can't touch my baby." I mean really?!? I even have a little sign that the hospital gave me that hangs from her car seat that says "Please wash your hands before touching mine." Please please PLEASE do not be offended if I offer you hand sanitizer before you touch her. It's the only way they will let me bring her out of the house. Now, obviously, if it's cold or really big crowds, I may stay home or keep her tucked in her car seat or moby wrap.

I love you all you prayer warriors out there! ...and you are not dirty. :)

Ruthie Grace: Part 2

Coming out of anesthesia, in pain, and super foggy, my first question was "How's Ruthie?" I knew the plan was Jimmy would get to see her immediately after she was taken out of the surgery room. So, I hoped he would have an update for me. He did. He let me know she was doing okay, made it through the surgery, didn't have to have ECMO (by-pass breathing mechanism- not a good sign), they had gotten the mass out, she had some right lung after all and it was working along with a semi-healthy left lung. The best news possible. She was still in critical condition and would be for weeks but our best case scenario was happening. In my fog, I was so relieved. But continued to ask questions, pretty much the same ones over and over.

Me: My recovery has gone quite well. I've had some pain, but no more than would be expected after a pretty intense surgery. They keep telling me... take it easy... you had more than the average delivery. I really can't brag on God enough when it comes to how He's provided nurses and doctors. They have been the most attentive, knowledgeable, sweet, confident people and willing to explain in as much detail as we can understand. This goes for my doctors and nurses as well as Ruthie's. Transparently, the hardest part of the recovery was not seeing her and now not holding her. I am feeling a bit disconnected from her. It is getting much much better every day as I get to sit by her and hold her hand. But, in the beginning, I didn't feel like "mommy" yet. I wasn't caring for her. I hadn't touched her. Mentally, it was a rough first few days. I prayed a lot and continue to hand this over to God. I can't tell you how good it is for me to be next to her, be given updates on her care, and other little things. (I get to put lip balm on her lips so they don't get dry and I got to pick out her NICU sheets.) And like I said.. This gets better every day.

Ruthie: Praise be to our Father! My cup runneth over. She is the most amazing thing I have ever seen. I know you believe me when I say she is so incredibly beautiful. Like no lie, the prettiest baby ever. I know that my eyes may not be the most unbiased eyes, but honestly, she's pretty. I would love for you guys to see a picture but she's not at her best right now. There's lots of machines and tubes attached everywhere in the way. But, once those start to disappear, we will flood this blog with pictures of our little blessing. She's got dark hair, tan skin, jimmy's chin and nose, my ears, and we're still waiting for her eyes to open to get a good look at them. Since her arrival, she's had lots of medicines, machines, and whatnot. After surgery/delivery (the surgery was first, technically), her lungs did well, her heart was good, she had some problems with swelling, was on blood pressure medicines, she was hooked up to a machine to help her breath called an oscillator (gave her lots of short, shallow breaths), she was on lots of medicines. The NICU is critical care for infants. They have told us that her recovery will be a climb but to expect a few bumps along the way. Her first week has been just that.... Over all she's done beautifully. Better than expected. But we have had a few rough spots. But the good updates outweigh the bad ones. As of today, she has been weened off the oscillator and is now on a regular ventilator which helps her take her own breaths and does it for her when she's tired, she's only on a few medicines helping with pain, sedation, nutrition (IV nutrition so far- we'll work on feeding later), and breathing, she's not opening her eyes yet and still has lots of tubes, her incision is healing well, her lungs are doing good, and the doctors are slowly removing things every day. She's definitely an over-achiever. Doing wonderfully. Our next landmark will be getting her chest tube out (draining her wound) and weening her off the ventilator completely (so she can breath on her own). We will get to hold her after these things. At least, this is the plan. Again, there is no time-line. She has to take things slowly and recover. But, we are looking forward to these steps.

Her doctors and nurses keep saying how amazed they are by her. We keep telling them about the ARMY of people she has praying for her. I'm not sure they get it. Since she's doing so well, please continue to pray for her. She is so strong and is certainly a fighter, but I give God the glory. He's hearing and answering our prayers in so many ways. God is meeting us in the big ways and in the small. We've been given a place to stay a 5 minute walk from Ruthie's bedside. We have been blessed in so many ways. It's ridiculous. We praise HIM for all that he is providing and his favor. God has chosen me to be this girl's mother. I'm not sure why. I'm certainly not anything special. But, boy, I am honored by his confidence in me.

Ruthie Grace: part 1

Let all praise and honor be to God. He is great and worthy of ALL PRAISE. Not just because of His grace in our situation, but simply because He is our great God.

Second, we are humbled by the thousands of people all around the world that have rallied around our family in prayer. It is truly unbelievable. We are not confused to think that we deserve this. We are eternally grateful. We love you all. Ruthie loves you too, but she can’t tell you that because she’s just a baby.

We arrived at Children’s Hospital in Cincinnati, OH at 5am. Kim was processed and placed in the room she is currently recovering in. Soon, we met with all the surgical staff. Well, not all. Later we were told there were upwards of 20 people in the surgery at certain times. Crazy. Carol and I said our sweet goodbyes to Kim and she went back for surgery around 8am.

Carol and I moved to the waiting room around 8:30am and met up with my sister Susan and brother-in-law Greg. Don came shortly after and we began drinking coffee and having hours of nervous conversation. Greg and Susan constantly reassured me, Don and Carol quietly listened remaining strong and optimistic, and I was kind of an excited nervous mess.

Ms. Judy (super nurse), would come periodically into the waiting room and give us updates. “Kim is under anesthesia now” or “The surgeon has made the first incision”, she would say. She was so great to do that. Each time she came out, we waited with baited breath as each update got us closer to our beautiful baby.

At about 12:15, Ms. Judy came out and changed our lives forever. She told us at 12:01pm at little baby named Ruthie Grace Thorpe was born. She showed us pictures she had taken with Carol’s camera. We were all amazed. At this point, I was hit with the amazing reality that our daughter was not only real, but very much ALIVE.

We were able to meet Ruthie for the first time by the elevators as she was being wheeled to the NICU. She was so beautiful to my eyes. It was bittersweet though, because she had to leave so quickly.

Soon thereafter we had a consultation with the main surgeons who had performed the operation. They filled us in on all the particulars. My head was still reeling. One of the Drs. made the point that it was still not clear what type of tumor it was. It would have to be sent of to testing. In a moment of clarity I spoke up and said, “Let me put it to you this way, if robbers broke into my house and put my family in danger, I called the cops and they run him off and put him in jail...I don’t need to know his name”. We all erupted with laughter and I finished by saying, “but if I saw him on the street, I would beat him to death with a bat”.

I finally got to see Kim as she was coming around from the anesthesia. She was in a lot of pain, but we got to hold hands and share a sweet moment together. Carol and Don got to see her too. There are just some things a husband can’t give his wife, but a Mom and Dad was all that she needed. We were all so happy that Kim was OK. We all exhaled a sigh of relief.

Cataloging these days

Jimmy, Mom, and I have been here (in the hospital) since Thursday. So far, the days been pretty uneventful. Mom and Jimmy have been traveling back and forth from here to the hotel/extended stay place we have for a while. I have to have special permission from my doctor to leave the floor. So, I've been walking the halls and visiting the nurses station from time to time.


I've been getting steroid treatments to grow Ruthie's lungs and hopefully shrink this mass on her right lung. They did find normal lung tissue on the right side. Not much, but enough to be promising. The left one appears to be functional but squished a bunch. So, when they remove the mass during the surgery they will be slowly unsquishing everything else.

Since we've been here, we've met lots of doctors and I must say I am very impressed with their knowledge and confidence. I love my doctors and midwife from Cookeville and Chattanooga...but it is comforting to be learning to love people here too. They are very smart and super involved in each case that they see. We had a consultation meeting with the team of doctors (6 doctors; 2 hi-risk OBs, 2 neonatologists, 2 pediatric surgeons, and a host of nurses) who would be with Ruthie and I on our delivery/surgery day. It was a 2 and 1/2 hour meeting where they explained everything thoroughly and explained the risk. We met again on Friday to sign all the consent forms and meet a few more doctors. The technical diagnosis for Ruthie is still up in the air. They think it is something called a CCAM/CPAM mass. But there is some friendly disagreement among our doctors on the actual diagnosis. They haven't really presented another option that is more likely but the course of treatment is the same for any other type of lung mass. If it is a CPAM, it's the largest one they've seen and it didn't respond to steroids the way it supposed to. (That's why I'm getting another round this weekend.) We're pretty sure the surgery is going down on Tuesday. We'll know for sure after some tests on Monday. But all the consent forms are signed and ready for a Tuesday surgery. I'm ready for it. I think Ruthie is too.

I know you must have lots of questions. I know we do. But to be honest, the answer to most of them is "We don't know." The lung mass/delivery/surgery are all so new and cutting edge that there aren't a ton of statistics on it. They see maybe 10-12 per year here at this hospital and it's by far the most in the country. Every baby responds differently and requires different treatment. Sure, Ruthie's mass is the biggest they've seen but she's almost full term and isn't showing signs of stress. Most babies with this type of mass have other problems (heart or diaphragm). They're masses are smaller but the babies are smaller too. So, if you have questions and I haven't addressed it in the blog, you may assume the answer is "We don't know."

Jimmy was able to pray with/over our doctors and nurses in our meeting on Friday. They were open to it. I think they were honored by it and hopefully they know that we and all of you will be continuing to pray for them. We were talking after the meeting with one of the surgeons. We were talking about pride in doctors and he said pediatrics is pretty different from other specialties. He said.. "It's easy to put your pride aside and ask for others opinions even if you think you are right... because it's for the health of a baby. We all come together around a baby." I like this guy. He and the whole team are a blessing to us.

We are doing well and keeping our heads and hearts up. Thanks for your prayers over the course of the week. I or Jimmy will keep you updated.

Too much to tell!

We've had such a full week that it will be difficult to get everything here on the blog. Here's one thing I know; God is in control and Ruthie, Jimmy and I are at the top of his list!

I guess I could start with where I am... I'm at Univeristy hospital in Cincinnati. We are across the street (literally) from Cincinnati Children's Hospital. On Wednesday, we came up here and had several tests; an MRI, in depth ultrasound, and a fetal echo. After a day of testing, we met with a room full of experts. They explained what they saw and presented a couple of options of treatment. The options are endless and none of them are free of risk. So, let me tell you what we've decided.

Ruthie and I will be delivering via an "Exit Procdure." This is surgery for her and for me. Basically, they will put me to sleep and open me up similar to a c-section. They will remove her from me but leave me connected to her through the umbilical chord. She will then have her mass removed while still connected to me. I will be acting as her life support while she has the surgery. After she has the surgery, they will secure her breathing and then, officially deliver her (cut the chord). They'll sew me up and wake me up. This is a bigger risk for me but will give Ruthie the best shot for her surgery. It's about a 6 hour surgery. Obviously, pray for Ruthie and me... but please also keep Jimmy in your prayers. I can't imagine how worried he must be. I would be a blubbery mess if it were him in an operating room for that long.

Well, if that wasn't enough, they also gave us our first information on how Ruthie will do after she is born. There's lots of maybes, could be's, and we'll sees. Basically, imagine the largest spectrum; the very best to the very worst. I'm trying not to think about the possibilities. I'm just staying positive and am excited about this precious thing that is kicking the time out of me RIGHT NOW. I thank God for every minute that she is with me. I have a friend who gave me that advice. Treasure every minute you have with her. That's what i'm doing right now. I know it is going to be a long journey. But I am excited about the next step. I know God is the Giver of Life and I know He's got our backs. No matter what happens. They did give us an estimate on how long she will be in the NICU.... 6 weeks to 12 months. Yeah. You read that right. possibly 12 months of NICU living. oh dear. I guess I'll just have to become a Bengals fan.

Again, this is just a synopsis of what we've heard over the last couple of days. a.) there really is too much to write. b.) I don't even want to repeat some of the negative things they've 'prepared' us for.

When is this big show happening?? With a CCam mass (the type they think it is... that's another story for another time.), they've seen moms deliver on average at 35 and 1/2 weeks. That's Monday for me. Not only does she have a CCam, but it's the largest one they've ever seen. I also have excess fluid that causes preterm labor. I was admitted today for observation and in anticipation this thing would go down near the beginning of next week. But there's no official schedule.

Thank you so very much for the prayers I know you are sending up on our behalf. I can feel it. No lie.... as far as physically, I feel okay aside from the occasional contraction... mentally, I'm focusing on the positive and anticipating the best outcome. I mean really.... at 20 weeks, things were pretty bleak. Look at her now! she's rocking every test! she's looks perfect. They did say... with this size of mass, she should be this or she should look like this. but she's not showing any signs of stress. Go Team! Seriously, thanks for the prayers and keep em' coming!! We love you so much and can't express how much love we feel from you!

No news is good news

Hello all! I didn't realize it had been so long since I have blogged. We have had little news to report. I see a doctor 3 times a week now. I see the high-risk specialist twice a week and my regular OB once a week. We are watching a few things; the size of the mass, the effect the mass is having on Ruthie, and the amount of amniotic fluid I am accumulating. So far, the mass is growing a little bit. There for a while it was plateaued but it is now growing again. Even though the mass is growing, it hasn't seemed to be effecting her badly. It is large enough to be shifting her heart to the left. Also, it is pressing on her esophagus making it more difficult for her to swallow amniotic fluid. That is what is causing the level of amniotic fluid to rise. But these things are not super-threatening for her or for me. If the amniotic fluid rises too much, as it has before, I am at risk for preterm labor. That's why they have drained me before. But as for now, I am staying about the same fluid level; high but not dangerous. At each appointment, we determine if we need to drain anymore fluid and if the mass is causing any problems that are bad for Ruthie.

We have discussed delivery of sweet Ruthie. There is no way to know what her breathing ability will be when she is born. Her right lung is most likely compromised and we have no idea what her left lung is going to look like. We have several options but have no definite plans for now. It looks like the most likely birth is something called an exit procedure. An exit procedure is a c-section where they will intubate (put in a breathing tube) her before disconnecting her from me. This will ensure that she is never without oxygen and her breathing is controlled immediately. She will then most likely have surgery to remove the mass from the right side. It may require removing some or all of her right lung as well. Even if they have to remove the whole lung, if her left lung is okay (which they think it is), she will have a fairly normal life; playing sports, running, jumping and such.

I'm currently at 33 weeks. They typically arrange exit procedures at 38 weeks. But if my fluid rises or Ruthie is in distress, they will do it a little earlier. They are happy that I'm almost to the 34 week mark. This is a big step! Looking back, at 22 weeks, I wasn't sure if I was going to make it this far! Ruthie is roughly 5 lbs and growing. We are super hopeful and ready for her to get here and be healthy!

Another busy day

As I had posted before, I had quite a bit of extra amniotic fluid. Today, my levels were at 38 cm. Normal levels are between 10-25 cm. So, I was super uncomfortable and if my levels continue to rise I would be at serious risk for preterm labor. Today, we and the doctors decided to reduce my fluid. This procedure requires a needle into the uterus and let the fluid drain out. Apparently, I have plenty because my doctor drained over a liter of fluid when we had to stop. They tell pregnant women not to lay flat on your back. Now I know why. I was in mid-conversation when all of a sudden I felt like I was going to pass out. Apparently my blood pressure had dropped. They took a quick glance over at Ruthie and her heartrate was super low. So, out the needle came. I sat up and drank a sprite. I rolled onto my side and Ruthie returned to normal. My doctor suggested we go over to the hospital and be monitored for a little while. I was having contractions about 4 minutes apart but they weren't too strong. After about an hour and a half and some medicine, the contractions stopped and I came home. I'm on total bedrest for two days. Just to allow everything to heal and to keep from contracting again. I'm feeling good...pray for Jimmy's nerves. I think he had quite a day. :)


Other than this little spell, I'm healthy and Ruthie is doing great. She still has the mass on her lung but she is growing and the mass is staying the same size. She is practice breathing and moving plenty. I'm 31 weeks. My doctor wants to get to 38 weeks but another doctor we see says 34 weeks is good too. Who knows who will win out??? I'm just waiting for the weeks to go by. On a good note, I feel much better after the reduction of fluid. Hopefully, if we have to do this again, we will be closer to term and will probably do the procedure in the hospital.

Love you all so much! Thanks for the prayers!

Holding Pattern

I've decided if i wasn't on maternity leave already, this would be one stressful time. We've had 3 doctors appointments this week and have 3 already on the books for next week. I can not imagine trying to get a sub for so many days. Or trying to work these appointments for after school. So, I'm thankful for these days off for allowing me the freedom to attend all these appointments.

People are so sweet and kind. They have been courteous and checking on us constantly. I got the sweetest card today and it just melted my heart.

I have noticed that my mid-section is growing at an alarming rate these days. A sweet lady at church asked me if I was having twins. I was not offended but I have seen my sweet Ruthie on the screens enough to know there is only one. So, I told her nope.. just the one. She, then, looking at my belly, says "Are you sure???" Still not offended, I did let her know that we've seen this girl and she's the only one in there. But my growing tummy is definitely larger in the last couple of weeks. I haven't been gaining a ton of weight... just moving it around mostly. We went to the doctor on Monday and found that Ruthie has way more than the average fluid around her. She's swimming in an ocean and that's why my belly is a little more swollen than the average 29 weeker. It is uncomfortable. I feel like someone has a water balloon in my belly and is slowly increasing the pressure. They told me they could drain it but that would mean another giant needle which also carries a tiny risk of premature labor. But, the extra fluid also carries a risk of premature labor. SO, for now, I'm toughing it out until I can't bare it. I may end up having the procedure done to reduce the fluid at one of my many appointments next week.

Other than the excess fluid, Ruthie is still stable. The solid mass is still growing but she seems to be handling the extra pressure okay. We are currently in a holding pattern. We'll be playing it week by week to see whether or not we need to induce. As the mass grows, it will hinder her but we want her to get as big as she can until we get her into the world. We are hoping to get past 34 weeks. But we'll have to wait and see.

Thank you to everyone for your prayers and support. Keep em' coming. We love you!

Putting away the "What if's"

This week Jimmy and I went to Erlanger to meet with some pretty great people. We met several doctors, nurses, and specialists. We also got to tour the NICU and children's hospital where Ruthie will most likely be staying. Totally awesome! I was so impressed with the NICU (intensive care unit for infants) They had 50 babies in there! It was amazing to see! These little ones were taken care of so well! If Ruthie's in there, it is nice to know there are so many dedicated nurses and staff taking such care of the sweet ones. (also, jimmy and i can visit any time of day. I like that.)

The first doctor we met is a surgeon. He and his team will be the ones to assess Ruthie after she is born to determine whether or not she needs surgery right away, what kind of surgery, and what exactly we are dealing with. There's only so much you can see on an ultrasound. So, when she comes out they will be looking to see if the mass is ON her lung, intermingled with the lung tissue, or completely overtaken it. This will let him know how to remove it. If it's on her lung, he may be able to save it and she may have both of her little lungs to work with. Another scenario would be it is totally intermingled with the right lung and part or the whole lung would have to be removed. So, if you didn't know, a person can live with only one lung. He said she could run, play, jump, etc. This would become her normal. She could still play sports and do most things with no long term care or meds. She could probably never be a smoker. But let's be honest, I don't really want her to pick up that habit. Now, he wasn't blindly optimistic. Things could go wrong. Her left lung may have problems, as well. She may need something called ECHMO which is only done at Vanderbilt and she would then be transferred. There are lots of things that could go wrong, but overall, she's got a good shot.

We, also, went to see our hi-risk OB. (the one who put in the shunt-referred to as Yoda in previous blogs) He said the shunt is still in place. It's still doing it's job. She is stable and looks pretty good. He was very happy with the results of the procedure and is hopeful for her. Her mass has a blood supply so is most likely not going to shrink or go away. As she grows, it may grow with her, but will likely not cause any more problems. Jimmy asked.... "Is our cup half full here? or half empty?" The Doc replied.. Mostly full. So, that was enough for us. We are feeling pretty good about all this. I'm just trying not to go into labor.

We discussed what would happen if I should go into labor here (in cookeville). They said "oh. that should be okay. Depending on how far along (in labor) you are, we'll either stop your contractions and airlift you here (to erlanger) or if you are about to deliver, we'll airlift our NICU team to Cookeville and stabilize Ruthie then bring her here." WOW! I was just like... okay. Feeling like a VIP again. Part of that makes me nervous, but also comforts me. Hopefully, we never have to do this. If I make it to 37-38 weeks, we'll schedule an induction or c-section depending on Ruthie's needs. I'm 28 weeks today.... so 9-10 more weeks.

So, as you can see, the list of "What if's" is super long.... She could be born breathing fine, come home with us, and we'll schedule a surgery for later... or she could be born not breathing and neither of her lungs functioning and not make it. Obviously our doctor's are telling us both ends of the spectrum but betting on somewhere in the middle. They are optimistic and i think that's a good sign. But to know all these scenarios and running through them all.... not fun. So, I'm putting away all the "what if's" and not worrying. Let's be honest. Worrying will do absolutely nothing for me or for Ruthie. BUT if i can relax, give God these worries/what if's...that actually might do some good. So, my little mustard seed of faith is in the Lord and choosing every day to hope for the best and be ready for a little one at home. Sounds fine and dandy but put into practice is a daily thing. People keep saying they admire my strength or faith or whatever...Truth is... Here's the secret... I'm not keeping this. God has this. I'm just living it.